Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Frustrating morning.  Dale did not want to go to school today and fought the entire way.  He capped it off by back-talking to both myself and his daycare teacher, then tried to walk out of daycare while shouting "I'm never coming back!"  Fortunately, his daycare teacher has had plenty of experience with him--and this--and brought him back into line.  I left, went to the car, drove home, and proceeded to curse everything out.   Him, me, my life, school, work, God...it all got equal billing.

I love Dale, I really and truly do!  I'd rather have a life with him and all of the issues, than to have a life without him.  I wouldn't trade him for anything or anyone.  At the same time, I feel like it's so unfair that I don't have a normal kid.  Why does mine have to be different?   Why does mine have to have issues that turn everyday little things into major struggles?

Why do I feel like it's my fault somehow...what did I do wrong?  Did everything I was supposed to the entire time, even before conception.  What am I doing wrong now?  Why do I feel like that nothing I do is working?  And why do I have to do it alone?  Why can't life be more fair?  And even though it's not our fault at all that Dale has ASD, why in the world do I feel guilty?  

Why do I feel guilty for wanting my own life?  Wanting to be able to work, go back to school, to have my own interests...I am more than just Dale's mom.  And I feel guilty for wishing that I had a normal son.

I know people say that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."  I guess it's supposed to be some form of comfort...some comfort.  God is not here handling Dale 24/7; I am!  "It's part of God's larger plan."  Well, I don't like God's plans and I swear that sometimes he has a warped sense of humor.  Right now I'm a bit angry at God.  I'm trying not to be, but I can't help how hurt I feel.

I'm not typing up all that I said out loud as there's some pretty colorful language in what I said.   But you get the idea.

*sigh*

Now if I were one of my patients, I would say to myself that I needed to take care of myself as well as Dale.  That I can't be a good mother if I am coming apart at the seams.  That it's all right to feel loss and anger at how things turned out, that it's because I'm only human.  That it's OK to question my relationship with God right now.  That it's good that I still want to be my own person and do things for me while at the same time be the best mommy I can be for Dale.  And that I need help taking care of Dale.  Physically, for the day-to-day stuff.   Mentally, for learning about ASD as well as how I'm processing things.  Emotionally, for the support.

I have a lot of that help there already.  The problem is that I need to learn how to ask for it.  And that's one of the biggest lessons I have to teach my patients...and learn myself.

*sigh*

I think I may finish my DK Winter Socks today.  I'm on the toe...I think I'll get off the computer, have some coffee, work on it...and by doing that, do a little something for me.

1 comment:

  1. You aren't alone in those thoughts. Hope you find some "you" time...and some time to post a picture of your socks!

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